


Shadows on the Wall

by millercrystal



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Dameron Family, Family, Gen, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron appreciation week 2018, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, as long as there's light, does Leia deduce Poe's distress or does she sense it through the Force? you decide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-26 23:50:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17151335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millercrystal/pseuds/millercrystal
Summary: Set post-The Last Jedi. Poe is plagued by his decision made during the evacuation from D'Qar and talks to Kes. In which the Damerons talk about dealing with recurring nightmares and Leia makes sure Poe knows he is appreciated even when he makes mistakes.For Poe Dameron appreciation week 2018 - day 7 (24 Mar); prompt: as long as there’s light.





	Shadows on the Wall

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Mentions of minor character death in passing, for the bomber squad at the beginning of The Last Jedi. Mentions of the existence of nightmares, but no detail described. If there’s any inaccuracy in discussing about effects of recurring nightmares, or anything else you need me to tag for, please let me know.
> 
> This ends up way less hopeful than I wanted for a hopeful theme. I’ve been meaning to read Before The Awakening for details on Poe’s parents before writing their characters, but haven’t managed to yet. I hope I haven’t set up details that are contradictory to the book nor made Kes ooc; I quite like the nickname which I headcanon he has chosen for Poe. I had wanted to write more about what Shara would say and Kes’ stories from serving in the Rebellion, but struggled with that, so maybe next time.
> 
> Originally published on Tumblr on 4 Apr 2018 (https://millercrystal.tumblr.com/post/172563765431/shadows-on-the-wall).

Poe has been up for 27 hours since boarding the Millenium Falcon, training surviving members of the Resistance who have ever shown potential in piloting a spacecraft and contacting old friends from his days in the New Republic to convince them to join the Resistance, before Leia orders him to ‘get some rest, you look like a ruffled porg running on caf and sugar, for kriff’s sake!’

Whatever that means.

Either way, he is glad to have a few hours to himself. The adrenaline rush from escaping from Crait has worn off and he has just begun to realise how tired he is. With BB-8 droopily teetering after him, he trudges to a remote corner of an out-of-the-way engine room, then folds up his jacket as a makeshift pillow. BB-8 plugs itself into a charging port and goes into hibernation mode.

The soothing hum of engines would have lulled Poe to sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, but there is just one issue - his mind is going a million miles per second and refuses to let him sleep. After tossing around for what seems like half an hour, he sits up and decides to make better use of his off time.

BB-8 whirls sleepily, offering to power back up to normal functioning. Poe pets its head lightly and tells it no, it doesn’t need to, but he would like it to go into standby mode, so it can rest but still have enough energy to transmit a live message for him.

 _For whom?_ BB-8 tilts its head.

‘For Dad.’ It has been some time since he last updated his father, and he needs his help in untangling his thoughts. Sure, the little droid is a great confidant, but right now he prefers advice from someone experienced while uninvolved in the current chaos. He is not sure how much longer he can hold in.

 

—

 

Force knows how much Poe has to get off his chest.

Kes is in the living room with a blanket and a book on his lap, when the message patches through. ‘Hey, Whisper! It’s been a few months, how’s everything?’ Poe grins at the nickname that his father chose for him after the whisper birds native to their homeworld, while Kes frowns at his curls, cataloguing them as more wayward than usual. ‘How long did you sleep last night? You know, your mum’s hair got wild when she hadn’t slept enough, you’ve certainly got that from her.’

Poe fidgets with the hem of his shirt, then blurts out, ‘Dad, the General wants me to shadow her and eventually join the leading ranks. How? I’m not ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I still have nightmares from the last encounter with Kylo Ren. The General’s son. Do you remember? He was called Ben-’

‘Son, you’re babbling.’ Kes interrupts kindly, ‘Take a deep breath.’

Poe does as instructed, and looks out of the front window by Kes’ side, seeing the tree he used to climb and swing on as a kid. He still remembers how fresh the air at home smells like. Oh, how he wishes he can go back to simpler times, but simpler times will not come again until the First Order is defeated.

‘How about you start by helping me understand the context? When does Leia want you to start shadowing her?’

‘Actually, I’m sort of already shadowing her, what with… recent events. It’s been a few stressful weeks fighting the First Order, and we lost a large chunk of our forces. Which brings me to my case - I’m not ready to lead and be responsible.’

‘Why do you think you’re not ready?’

‘I… I made a call that lost our bombers. The whole fleet… If I hadn’t given them the order to keep going, some of them would still be here…’

‘You did what you thought was the best for the situation; everyone acts less than ideal at one point or another, especially under stress. Yes, the bombers _have_ sacrificed, but don’t forget, they fought for the light in the galaxy. Honour that. And remind yourself what you’re fighting for.’

Poe looks away from Kes’ unwavering stare and keeps silent. _I should have been better_ , he muses.

‘Remember what your mum used to say, when you hesitated on trying out new flight sequences she just taught you?’

‘She would say, “My little pilot deciding not to use a move that he’s not sure about, so he won’t hurt anyone. That’s brave. Though practice makes perfect.” And then she’d ruffle my hair.’

‘You have a good heart, and you always follow what your heart tells you is the right thing to do. I can see that, and Leia sure can see that. She has been leading the Rebellion, and now the Resistance, for so long and met so many people, I would say she is an expert in judging characters. Do you trust her judgement?’

Poe is doubtful about Leia’s impression of him after the mess he made to buy time, but he pretends to believe for his father’s sake.

‘Now, what did you say about nightmares?’

‘I’ll be able to handle them, sooner or later.’ he refuses to meet his father’s eyes, not wanting him to worry.

Kes sighs, ‘ _Son_.’

‘Dad.’ Poe tries for an winning smile.

Kes raises an unimpressed eyebrow and Poe’s charming smile turns embarrassed. Kes then starts softly, ‘I have my own share of nightmares too, from my time in the Rebellion.’

That is news to Poe; though, he should have deduced, he supposes. Intrigued, he asks quietly after a short pause, ‘How did you deal with them?’

‘At first, I buried them as soon as they passed and pretended I was fine. But then, they popped up at increasingly inconvenient times, once even while I was in the middle of a mission. Mind you, I was in a fight, that’s how the distraction got a squad mate and I injured. That forced me to face the nightmares head-on and get them under control.’

Poe considers the possibility of his own nightmares materialising when he is flying, and shudders involuntarily at the highly probable deadly outcomes. He has no wish of being taken out in this way. ‘So, how did you get rid of them?’

‘I talked to the doctor, and she referred me to another doctor specialising in this kind of matters. It helped; the nightmares rarely show up anymore, and when they do, I know how to manage them now.’ he lets that sink in before continuing. ‘I’m not saying you _have_ to talk to a doctor, but at least talk to someone who would understand. Son, talk to me whenever you need. I don’t care if it’s in the middle of the night or if I’m cooking, that’s an order.’

‘Dad, you _do_ remember I technically outrank you, right?’ Poe chuckles half-heartedly.

‘I do. Proudest news I’ve heard, but I’m also your father and that’s enough permission. BB-8, are you there?’ The droid whirls an affirmative. ‘Please take care of Poe. Whenever he needs a poke, remind him that people _do_ trust him and care about him.’

It beeps a promise, and informs both father and son that it has been recording their whole conversation for challenging times.

‘Oh, Bee, great idea. I knew I could count on you.’ Kes notices Poe trying to hide a yawn, ‘What time is it on your side? Both of you, go catch some rest.’

Poe knows there is no use in arguing otherwise once his father has made up his mind. ‘Alright. Love you, Dad.’

‘Love you too, Whisper. Stay safe.’ _May the Force be with my son_ , Kes pleads with the galaxy, _please don’t take him away like you took away Shara_. He hopes the sudden rustling of the leaves on the Force-sensitive tree in front of their house means the Force agrees.

After signing off the connection, Poe only takes a minute to lie down comfortably and pass out. The fact that the engine room feels slightly warmer helps as well, like he is draped with an invisible blanket.

 

—

 

When Poe rouses in a few hours, his mind is much more refreshed and slightly less stressed. BB-8 has already booted up to normal functioning mode, and is processing the flight routes they have been taking. Seeing him roll over and stretch his back, it informs him that the General looked for him an hour ago but decided against waking him up when she connected with it on the comm, leaving a message for him to join the commanders on shift when he returns to the land of the living. He stops by the refresher to wash his face and chase out any sleepiness, before dragging himself to the makeshift command room set up in the secondary cargo bay.

He observes that it is before dawn when he passes the clock at the entrance. Leia is not in the command room, but she has left instructions for his input on potential base locations and a plan to rebuild their air force. These, he is confident in fulfilling.

Later, when Poe is asked for preliminary ideas during the daily command meeting, Leia makes sure to let him know she expects his report investigating their possibilities in a week. And when the meeting is wrapped up and officers start filing out of the room, she calls for him to stay behind for a few words. She only gets to her point when all other staff have left them in private.

He does not know what he is expecting, but it is definitely not what they end up talking about. He does not expect her to specifically praise his ideas raised in the meeting with a proud expression. Nor does he expect her to tell him bluntly that she sensed his doubts even though he has tried his best in covering them up. And he definitely does not expect her to gently remind him to remember the lesson learnt from making bad calls during the evacuation from D’Qar but stop beating himself up about it, because ‘even great leaders have lapses in judgement and given orders that they regret,’ all while hugging him tightly.

He has to admit, he tears up a little knowing Leia does not dwell on his mistake that much.

When she finally releases him, he subtly notes the open concern in her eyes but chooses not to bring it up. He nods at her and she squeezes his shoulders in return before stepping back.

‘Now go work out those plans, Dameron.’

‘Yes, General.’ With that, he takes a datapad and goes off to curl up in a window spot where he can see stars flying past, drafting reports with a familiar steadiness back in his heart.


End file.
